I find myself laughing while I write this because I am on anti-pain meds and yet, I can feel and I want to put into writing what I feel. To document, to purge, to not be disturbed.
Two weeks from now, I mark the 365 days since we called it quits. Yes, I will celebrate it because through death comes a new beginning.
You hop from one person to another, wanting to love them, trying to love them but you can’t. At the back of your mind, you know that I’m the best one you ever had. I gave you and showed you the real meaning of unconditional love. I understood your dark and brooding ways, your silent movements, your dark past and this cloak of mystery you always enveloped yourself in. I embraced it fully in order to understand you better, to see through your soul. And you knew that no one can do that for you. No one can grab hold of your heart the way I held it and cradled it against my own.
I am not a hypocrite, I also went through that phase. But I came to realize that no one can ever replace the light you gave me and cover up the damage you have done. The damage was too big that I just have to accept it for what it’s worth. It opened my eyes that not every love has a romantic ending and when to quit some fights. I also hopped from one person to another, probably begging for their love or maybe just to fill up the void that you left, a black hole that I have been trying to cover up with a big Smiley-faced band aid over and over again. It didn’t work until I stopped trying and accepted that injury or karma always comes in threes.
You know deep in your heart that you cannot replace me, you said it so yourself. You knew I was the best and you’d have a hard time looking for someone better than me. But I want you to forget that. I want you to be happy, that has always been my wish for you.Now, I came to terms after you apologized that I am not the best one for you because if I was, we would still be together. I am just a mere precursor to the best one yet and hopefully when that day comes you are ready and she is ready, to take in and cradle your heart against hers.
I am leaving your grave and will no longer visit and leave flowers. This choice is mine and will stand by it. Do not worry about me, I can take care of myself. I’ve done a pretty good job for the past 365 days. A good man is taking care of me and I am always optimistic of a new love, a love that hopefully will be better than the one lost.
I am leaving your grave and will no longer visit and leave flowers. I will leave my anger and my self pity at your tombstone. Comes with it are the photos,the letters and the remaining love I have for you. I cannot take for the nightmares to come back anymore. I want to give my all, my everything to my present.
Please do not wish that we will meet each other again, or bump into each other in one of our travels. It’s not going to happen when you wish for it.
365 days. Time flies and heals all wounds. Where the wound was, a scar is forever seen and every year, on July 7th, I will touch my scar to remind myself of a death and a new beginning.