“…Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worse is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive—I’ll find love again…I want to believe that it is wonderful to be free. Free again. Ready to find any one true love, who is waiting for me and who will never allow me to experience such humiliation again.” (p.15, The Zahir, P. Coelho)
It’s one of those days that you were the subject of my dream again. There, you were so real, seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, holding your hand in mine. And then I woke up thinking you are beside me, hugging me from behind.
I haven’t written, talked or seen you for so long that somehow I have to remind myself that you existed in my universe. Somehow, I have to remind myself that we are kindred spirits, divided by time and living our own lives. We are two souls apart, looking for ourselves in this vast universe. The love was too much to handle but it was comfortable. I have seen your friends everywhere, heard your name everywhere, seeing people who look like you and act like you EVERYWHERE… but they are not YOU.
Sometimes I wish I can go there. Just drive there and stare at the awesome skyline and de-clutter my brain, wishing you would just see me and sit down beside me and ask me what’s wrong. I want to tell you the things that are wrong or going wrong in my life. I want to show you my vulnerability because it is only you who would understand it and be honest with me. You will give me the most blunt, straightforward answer that I need and would give me that “slap on the face.. wake up Tracy” moment that I have been waiting.
J, everything is wrong but I am trying to be tough because I am my own bullet proof vest. I put on a fake smile and show the world that I am peachy when in fact I am hurting inside from all the crap I am taking from the guys who want to enter my life. My problem is I allow them to enter my universe when they are not ready to be part of it. (Or they just want to get into my pants) I try to be smile, but deep inside.. I have cracks and band-aids to cover up the scar. I want to tell you that I have been hurt and the only thing that keeps me alive is the reason why I have been hurt. People really do take advantage of the scars other people carry. And it’s up to me how I can get out of this alive. Running away is no longer an option, but humility and a graceful exit is the option.
It has been 8 months. 8 months of the constant struggle to find myself without you in my universe. It’s a struggle that I want to come out of alive and kicking. And today is not a good day, because I miss talking to you.