This is just a random thought. A thought that has bothering me for the longest time. Maybe because this was in my plan a year ago, when everything was peachy and happy. A plan molded out of love, dreams, future hopes and aspiration: Full of curly haired babies running around, laughing.
or maybe this is just a random thought because I keep on seeing babies everywhere and I sometimes think: what will I tell my kids about me?
I planned to name my little boy Ocean. and this is a letter for him.
Hello my darling. I have highly anticipated for your arrival.It has been a tough couple of years for me, but I waited patiently for you to come along. I have wanted you for so long. I knew that if you would come, I would fix my broken life and keep myself in check. I wanted you for the wrong reasons before, to make someone stay in my life, But you came at the right place at the right time when your dad and myself is already complete and self-fulfilled. And I feel so blessed that you finally came.
You were born in the generation where everything and every information can be given and taken away from you with a snap of a finger. I wish you lived in my time, a time where gazing at the stars and making a wish was important. A time when every one will go out and talk to their neighbors, a time where real relationships are made through talking and interaction. Now, you have gadgets to do all the talking for you. A time where a relationship is no longer important and where everything and anyone can be taken for granted.
That is why I left the city. I wanted to save the little sanity that I have left. For you see, I was a wreck a couple of years before you were born. I did things I wasn’t proud of, pretended to live a life that I truly did not belong in. In the future, if you meet some of mommy’s friends, you might hear funny stories. Listen to them, and tell me what you heard so that I can be open to you about what happened. This is not the appropriate time for you to know, but at least I am giving you a heads up.
I always envisioned you to be perfect, like a little cherub sucking in the beauty and serenity of the place you grew up in. A curly haired, doe eyed little kid running around the lawn or at the beach with our choco Lab, catching waves with me, living a simple life away from the chaotic city where I grew up. Living in the house that I dreamed of for the longest time. Our house and our lives are so simple yet it means so much to me. I worked hard for this to materialize, worked hard to save my future family from all the drama that the city can bring. I want our lives to be simple and free and happy.
By the time you are reading this, you are probably on your way to being a teenager. and I want to give you a piece of advice:
I want you to be a true gentleman. A person with a good heart, a person like the love of my life. You are like his carbon copy, with his curly hair and doe eyes, but at least you have my nose. Always remember, you are good in what you do and I support you all the way. Take time to talk to me, ask me stuff that you do not know. We may have a big age gap but I am your friend. I will not spoil you but I will not be too strict. I will not tolerate you getting home at an ungodly hour, but I will tolerate you committing mistakes. You can try to drink, smoke and other things but do not get addicted to it. We can do these things together. Know your limits,for it is where you will learn.
Do not hesitate to cry, for real men do cry their hearts out. But be strong and tough. It’s okay to fail sometimes. Do not be cocky, be humble in victory or in defeat. Always grab an opportunity knocking on your door and always thank those who gave you an opportunity and a second chance. Do not hate me for not providing you with nice material things. Be thank that I provided you with a roof on your head and the best education that money can buy, it will be your saving grace. Do not hate me for leaving the city behind, for deciding to live by the beach. I chose this to save my sanity and yours as well. Trust me, it is only full of drama. You have to learn from nothing to gain something.
I want you not to be insecure of what you do not have, but instead, be proud of what you have. I want you to have a childhood that you will not be able to fully experience in the city. I want you to not experience what I went through, not knowing where her happiness lies. I ALWAYS WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, FOR THAT’S WHERE MY HAPPINESS LIE, IN SEEING YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND BE A KID.
As I have said, if ever you hear any bad things about me or about anyone, just listen but do not judge. Talk to me and ask me questions. Being curious is not a bad thing, it gives us a chance to bond and to have a real relationship. I want you to learn how to trust and who not to trust. I want you to have a meaningful relationship in the future.
And lastly, I want you to have a good heart. Always remember that women are not playthings. They are meant to be loved and taken good care of. I want you to respect all the women that you meet. Do not treat them as playthings, do not toy with their hearts, do not make them cry. If ever they are the ones who make you cry, accept and learn from it. Do not use past heartbreaks as revenge. Revenge is not good. Always be the better person in the relationship. Be honest, be courteous and be respectful. respect women with your words and your actions. Just because a woman doesn’t say anything it doesn’t mean she is not hurting inside. Talk to your woman of your dreams, worries, hopes and fears. If she is the one for you, you will know because she will listen to you and support you all the way. And when you find that girl, do not let her go just because you feel like it or your career is getting in the way. The right woman is like a precious jewel, she is rare to find. So hold on to her. Maybe you are wondering how will you know if she’s the one? You will know. You will just feel it in your heart. So right now, just enjoy meeting other people and prepare yourself for that particular person.
As for other boy stuff, talk to your dad. He will share it to you.
I will guide you to the best of my knowledge. I wasn’t a perfect daughter to my parents but I learned from my mistakes and I want to share to you the things I learned from these mistakes. Your dad and I may not be the best parents in the world, but we try to be. Always remember that I want you to decide what is best for you. I want you to follow your passion and your dreams. Remember that the road to your dreams are rough but I am always here to support you no matter the outcome because I love you.
Take this by heart. You are a good son, brother, friend and future husband.