I was never a Church go-er for I have personal issues with the Catholic Church for the longest time. I grew up studying in Catholic schools, but I just never embraced the religion. My parents and brother call themselves Catholics but never really practiced it wholeheartedly (yes mother, kahit ikaw. for you judge people easily.) So I have issue with Catholicism.
For the longest time, following the Christian lifestyle entered my mind. It’s actually not a religion they say, but a lifestyle wherein you surrender everything to God and let nature and God make your life for you. In the philosophical point of view, its called the Determinism philosophy wherein you follow the path destined to you by God. But enough with Philosophy. So following the Christian lifestyle entered my mind but I was always scared, scared that people will mock me and tell me I am a hypocrite for reading the bible or singing verses when I am a sinner. So I just let the thought flow through my mind for the longest time.
Sundays are supposed to be solely for the Lord, but Sundays were our day. and when He left, my Sundays remained empty. I try to fill it with mindless activities but I just remember what we used to do during Sundays: sleep, do grocery, talk about wanting to go to Church but do not actually go to Church, talk about our lives and what we want to do with our lives. Sunday was our day and now mine is empty. Then I remembered the thought that I want to go to Church during Sundays and at the lowest point of my life, the Sunday after my birthday, I informed my friend ” I want to go to Church with you”
She quickly asked me why, and I said I’m just going through some tough time and I want to surrender everything to God. She then asked me why and I berated while I was driving, the hurt that I felt. I was crying and crying and saying, “I’m just tired.” She then told me, “Sunday was your day? But it’s supposed to be devoted to God. That’s why He took him away from you. Because God wants you to come back to Him, for you see, you are not finished with God. You thought you were already complete, letting go all of your vices and hurt from the past, but come to think of it, you are just merely starting with your journey with God. He wants you to offer everything to Him and have a monogamous relationship with Him. and then that’s the only time you will be ready and your wishes will come true. let Him be your guide, your life starting now and He will give you what is right for you.”
As I reflect on these, the people around me, even him, are saying the same thing: let nature take it’s course. Listen to what is planned for you, you are not in control of your life anymore, leave all your worries at the doorstep, be happy in yourself. And I realized, on my second Sunday of Church, that God has been speaking to me through the people surrounding me. But I am just too stubborn and hurt to listen to Him. That He will not bring anyone in my life that doesn’t have a purpose. That this ending is just a beginning of my journey with Him. That I have to ‘deny myself completely and surrender the control I have on my life to Him.”
I need to listen now, with all of my heart and surrender all the control I have to Him. My friend was right, mommy is right, “trust in the plans that God has for you. Don’t stray away. Its your time to worry about yourself. Love yourself and think positive. J or no J, God is with you all throughout”
I am still crying. I don’t know if it’s because I am still hurt, or I miss him, or this is my way of saying I already accept whatever it is planned for me. I am in fear of what the future has in store for me, but its wrong to think that, I SHOULD JUST LIVE MY LIFE DAY BY DAY. it’s harder to live it day by day, but that’s what should be done.
That night on July 7, 2012 at 9:30 pm was the end of this chapter. I do not know if our story will continue or just end the way it is. Hugging you for the last time, with tears streaming down our faces. you wearing that yellow Chelsea shirt and asking me if your eyes are puffy. you saying “I’ll see you soon Trace.” You spoke of me beiing your soulmate and you will find me in the end if that is God’s plan for us.
But that ending is the beginning for me, I just didn’t know it. But now I know. One step at a time, all that it takes and is what I will do. I will stop planning my life and just live it. You hated planning, you always wanted to be spontaneous. I’m ready now, and I am okay. I may have days when I’m not okay, but rest assured that I will be.
I accept the plans that God has for me and I am excited and scared at the same time. I ACCEPT.
“Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and i will give you rest” Matt 11:28