A letter to myself

Dear Tracy,

Stop crying. You look like shit when you cry. Eyes puffy and lopsided, face flushed, hair in disarray. People stare at you because they see you cry when you drive, or when you eat at Mcdo. You even stopped combing your hair and you just wear a cap or a hoodie. Your room is a warzone. You look like you went to hell and back.

Please help yourself. You cannot count on anyone but yourself now. You have to be brave and face it alone. Its only you now, no more first line of defense. Your friends would always be there for you, but they’ve had enough of the crying. Of course they won’t tell it to you, but you know it should stop.

I know it hurts, but don’t be like me 5 years ago. When I was just a big blah: a zombie eyed, walking disaster. If you look at it now, back then wasn’t even worth it, getting “damaged.” I just allowed myself to wallow in it because I was in it for so long. You should learn from that experience.

It hurts baby. But think about yourself. Think about what you are missing outside of your room and house. Go get a hobby. Continue doing yoga, play football again, paint (even if you do not have an artistic side), start that Food Blog you have been wanting to do for so long. Go to that Unlicakes you always wanted to try, order for yourself and indulge in it. Do that paddle boarding up the stream on your own. For once in your life, do something that scares you. Just Continue living. Stop your current habit of eating just once a day, you look anorexic for crying out loud. Do not even bother entertaining those guys who are starting to emerge. They just want to take advantage of your weakness. Prove to yourself that you are not the “meantime girl” everyone thinks of and that you don’t need other guys to make you happy. You just need you now. No one else

Since you already admitted to people important to you, pick up the pieces of your heart and start being genuinely happy. Always think that other people have nothing, but they are happy. They continue living their lives and being thankful of the sun rising again.

So get off your butt and start looking pretty again. Smile, Ms. Beautiful. You always look prettier when you smile. You’ll never know who’s happy when they see you smile.

Everything is going to be okay, trace. I am here for you always. Continue believing, continue to have faith. and when days are terribly hard on you, give yourself 5 minutes and just pray for strength.

Just have faith. Smile always.

Much love, T.

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