that warm smile will forever be missed

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You still appear on my newsfeed and your warm smile greets me every time I log on to my Facebook Page and look at my top friends. But, my instagram and Twitter feed will no longer be filled with your posts that I can repost and retweet.

We met in last year’s Surf and Music. JP Ong introduced me to you so we can talk about press coverage for Surf events. I was too drunk to remember your name so I re-introduced myself to you during the Siege of Baler’s kick off. In Baler, we hit it off and I started calling you Madam.

I knew I was comfortable with you when you grabbed my boob in Baler. You always pimped me to the single boys and say, “no Judgment!” (remember Balcony and LU?!?!) You welcomed me with open arms, invited me to your home, told me your secrets and would always call me “the one and only Crazy Tracy” after I did one of my mischievous antics. You and Jean made “Wild One” my theme song after we spent Valentine’s Day together at Distillery. You always listened to my stories and allowed me to bug you when you were in the MRM office. You never judged nor had malice on anyone, even if someone had wronged you already. 

I looked up to you in so many ways. You were never scared of what life has to offer and you knew what you wanted (which is to travel). You enjoyed every aspect of your life and did not care about what other people will say or think of you. You were BRAVE to face the world with your head held high. 

I remember one of our conversations, you told me: “trace, I also don’t know how to swim. kung malunod, eh di malunod pero sana may sumagip sakin. pero at least ginagawa ko yung gusto ko” That struck me and I promised you and Jean that I will practice my surfing so you can play “Wild One” when I reach the line up if ever I would start to compete.

It’s surreal. I questioned myself, and my ill-fated faith that “why is it always the good ones?” Is it because you already knew your purpose and you completed it already? 

You’ve been taken too soon Mags in such an ill-fated manner. It’s unfair that you had to exit that way and I am holding on to what little faith I have left that you were able to say I love you to the ones who matter before you left for your trip and that did not feel pain nor fear at moment of impact.

 I told you that rainy afternoon at Coffee Bean last March that I will continue my K stories when he comes here and how it will unfold. You promised me no one will know and I knew I could trust you. He’s here Mags and I have never been any happier. But I won’t be able to tell it to you. I won’t be able to invite you to hang out with me, Megan and Nobs here in the city nor see your face and hear your voice during MSA events. 

As Miccah said it, there forever will be a void. No one can replace the sunshine that you brought into my life even for a short time. I may not have known you for a long time unlike some, but you made an impact in my life with the personal experiences you shared with me and your pieces of advice. You will always have a place in my heart and my heart is now hollow and broken because you’re gone.

I hope, just like in my dream, “buhay na buhay ka pa” wherever you are. Nakakatawa kasi nagcomment ka sa license instagram ko na “I now know where you live” and binisita mo ko sa panaginip. Nakakaloka ka! I hope in the concept of heaven that you are in, you are dancing with San Pedro now, grabbing boobies, drinking red horse, catching endless glassy waves and making landi with your boylets.

I hope one day, I can meet the reincarnated person who has your old soul (one who was born on the day you died) and I would tell him/her “You remind me so much of my friend Mags.” and I will instantly know that s/he has your old soul.

We are sad Mags, but do not worry for us. It hurts now but we have to accept it but we will not forget you. You are forever loved by everyone.

I will paddle out for you. I love you. Rest in peace

Magnolia Jade Martin (Oct 10, 1983- Aug 26, 2013)

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365 days after

Dear you,

I find myself laughing while I write this because I am on anti-pain meds and yet, I can feel and I want to put into writing what I feel. To document, to purge, to not be disturbed.

Two weeks from now, I mark the 365 days since we called it quits. Yes, I will celebrate it because through death comes a new beginning.

You hop from one person to another, wanting to love them, trying to love them but you can’t. At the back of your mind, you know that I’m the best one you ever had. I gave you and showed you the real meaning of unconditional love. I understood your dark and brooding ways, your silent movements, your dark past and this cloak of mystery you always enveloped yourself in. I embraced it fully in order to understand you better, to see through your soul. And you knew that no one can do that for you. No one can grab hold of your heart the way I held it and cradled it against my own.

I am not a hypocrite, I also went through that phase. But I came to realize that no one can ever replace the light you gave me and cover up the damage you have done. The damage was too big that I just have to accept it for what it’s worth. It opened my eyes that not every love has a romantic ending and when to quit some fights. I also hopped from one person to another, probably begging for their love or maybe just to fill up the void that you left, a black hole that I have been trying to cover up with a big Smiley-faced band aid over and over again. It didn’t work until I stopped trying and accepted that injury or karma always comes in threes.

You know deep in your heart that you cannot replace me, you said it so yourself. You knew I was the best and you’d have a hard time looking for someone better than me. But I want you to forget that.  I want you to be happy, that has always been my wish for you.Now, I came to terms after you apologized that I am not the best one for you because if I was, we would still be together. I am just a mere precursor to the best one yet and hopefully when that day comes you are ready and she is ready, to take in and cradle your heart against hers.

I am leaving your grave and will no longer visit and leave flowers. This choice is mine and will stand by it. Do not worry about me, I can take care of myself. I’ve done a pretty good job for the past 365 days. A good man is taking care of me and I am always optimistic of a new love, a love that hopefully will be better than the one lost.

I am leaving your grave and will no longer visit and leave flowers. I will leave my anger and my self pity at your tombstone. Comes with it are the photos,the letters and the remaining love I have for you. I cannot take for the nightmares to come back anymore. I want to give my all, my everything to my present.

Please do not wish that we will meet each other again, or bump into each other in one of our travels. It’s not going to happen when you wish for it.

365 days. Time flies and heals all wounds. Where the wound was, a scar is forever seen and every year, on July 7th, I will touch my scar to remind myself of a death and a new beginning.

Much love,T.

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Learning to love again.

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Dear JRCR.

We talked and I stated my unfriend-ing you on facebook. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, or I’m bitter about it. I’m seriously happy for you because you found love through your travels. It was just the right thing to do, to give respect to the new people in our lives and to finally let go of our story.

Goodbye to you, THE guy with guitar, THE soccerboy/surferboy who loved gatorade blue as much as I love it, the guy who swept me off my feet with his kidness, honesty, tenacity and acceptance.

I’m happy for you and I’m happy I didn’t break you that much. 🙂

“just a second we’re not broken just bent. we can learn to love again.Its in the stars, its been written in the scars of our hearts. We’re not broken just bent. we can learn to love again.”

An ode to Izumi

So it’s  Throwback Thursday and I rummaged through my old files and I stumbled upon this photo. He was wearing the same shirt he was wearing when we broke up. But this was also the night that we first kissed and he “fell in love” with my smile.

So maybe it’s not only an ode to Izumi, but also an ode to what we were. I miss you J. #throwbackthursday #byeizumi

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Handsome Boy Modeling School Feat Cat Powers: I’ve been thinking

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Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

I’ve been thinking about those things you said
I’ve been thinking about those things we did
I’ve been thinking about those things you do
I’ve been thinking about those things you made me do too

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

I was hypnotized
By your fairy eyes
Like a tiger in the dark
You were hungry from the start

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can’t buy me, buy me

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can’t buy me

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
Hip hop
And don’t stop
I’ll never be
On my knees

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don’t stop
‘Cause I’ll never be
On my knees

When I saw you on the street
I just had to look away
You were so sweet
Sexy Steez
Lay back relax
Street boy please
Wait a second it’s gonna take awhile

Slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don’t stop
I’ll never be
On my knees

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don’t stop
I’ll never be
On my knees

I’ve been thinking ’bout
Why you act so proud
I’ve been thinking ’bout
What’s this shit about
Am I losin’ control
Am I losin’ my soul
Just tell me am I losin’ you

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can’t buy me

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don’t stop
‘Cause I’ll never be
On my knees

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don’t stop
‘Cause I’ll never be
On my knees

I’ve been thinking ’bout
I’ve been thinking about
I’ve been thinking ’bout
I’ve been thinking about
Losing you

>> This song was posted on my Facebook wall 2 weeks late. This song is really for the green eyed dude who got me so infatuated with his good looks, cool accent and hot body. But it’s over now. SO OVER. No regrets there/ <<

Something about US.

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“…Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worse is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive—I’ll find love again…I want to believe that it is wonderful to be free. Free again. Ready to find any one true love, who is waiting for me and who will never allow me to experience such humiliation again.” (p.15, The Zahir, P. Coelho)

 It’s one of those days that you were the subject of my dream again. There, you were so real, seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, holding your hand in mine. And then I woke up thinking you are beside me, hugging me from behind.

I haven’t written, talked or seen you for so long that somehow I have to remind myself that you existed in my universe. Somehow, I have to remind myself that we are kindred spirits, divided by time and living our own lives. We are two souls apart, looking for ourselves in this vast universe. The love was too much to handle but it was comfortable. I have seen your friends everywhere, heard your name everywhere, seeing people who look like you and act like you EVERYWHERE… but they are not YOU. 

Sometimes I wish I can go there. Just drive there and stare at the awesome skyline and de-clutter my brain, wishing you would just see me and sit down beside me and ask me what’s wrong. I want to tell you the things that are wrong or going wrong in my life. I want to show you my vulnerability because it is only you who would understand it and be honest with me. You will give me the most blunt, straightforward answer that I need and would give me that “slap on the face.. wake up Tracy” moment that I have been waiting.

J, everything is wrong but I am trying to be tough because I am my own bullet proof vest. I put on a fake smile and show the world that I am peachy when in fact I am hurting inside from all the crap I am taking from the guys who want to enter my life. My problem is I allow them to enter my universe when they are not ready to be part of it. (Or they just want to get into my pants) I try to be smile, but deep inside.. I have cracks and band-aids to cover up the scar. I want to tell you that I have been hurt and the only thing that keeps me alive is the reason why I have been hurt. People really do take advantage of the scars other people carry. And it’s up to me how I can get out of this alive. Running away is no longer an option, but humility and a graceful exit is the option.

It has been 8 months. 8 months of the constant struggle to find myself without you in my universe. It’s a struggle that I want to come out of alive and kicking. And today is not a good day, because I miss talking to you. 

The Magic found at Liwa

So, the adventure continues.. this time to Liw-Liwa in Zambales.  AAAAAAAAAH….. The Magical Liwa. The very same spot where I learned how to surf.

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While most of the Manila crowd went to Sinulog to party, I went back to my “surf” birthplace, Liw-liwa last weekend to watch Indio-I perform live at The Circle Hostel (and also to surf!) It’s been a looooong time since I stepped into the waters of Liwa (2007 was the first and last time) but I remember it’s crazy currents and it’s beautiful waves.

Lance and I, missing one weekender short, left Manila sober and pumped up for the weekend at 2 am. His awesome driving skills managed to bring us to Z-land at around 5:30 am. We arrived at the hostel and saw that only Ziggie and Tito Ricky were the ones there (and also Paco, by the sound of his thunderous snores) Upon checking in The Hostel, we were able to get the nicest bunks and decided to doze off for a few hours before surfing.  We were then awakened by the sunlight and the sound of the people chatting.. Now.. let the good times roll.

Upon unloading our boards from the car, we were greeted by warm and familiar faces of the Manila surf scene. Every one was excited to be back in Liwa because those who went before us already gave the people some good news… Z-land had awesome waves. After a quick breakfast at Mommy Phoebe’s, Lance and I carried our boards to the beach. Along the beach, people were finding their own spots to tan, to wax their boards, to have celebratory drinks or to stretch those tight muscles before paddling out.

With our boards fully waxed, we surveyed the beach break in order to know where to paddle out. Lance being the advance surfer, paddled faster to go to the line up while I tried to stay on the inside for the mean time so that I can practice (and get over my fear) my paddling without making a fool of myself. I told myself that this time, no one should push me. True enough, with some courage and stamina because of a good night’s sleep, I caught two good waves just before lunch time.

After a quick lunch of Bagnet at Mommy Phoebe’s, Lance and I went up to the common area of the hostel to have a nap. We agreed to go back into the water at 3pm. Since the common area was a public area, there were a lot of people that were chattering and drinking. So after a few minutes, I went downstairs to the hammock area to stay beside my friend Nobs to have a quick chat with her. While we were hanging out, Indio-i was doing their soundcheck. This very moment stuck in my head because in the middle of my conversation with Nobs (about love!), Vic started singing Diwata and it wasn’t only like a couple of lines, it was the entire song. Nobs and I became quiet to listen to the music and after the “soundcheck” I told her “because of that, I can’t sleep anymore! Time to go back to the beach.”

I woke up Lance and told him that it was already 3 pm. Time to head back into the water. Grabbing our boards, we bumped into a couple of other surfers who told us that there’s going to be a yoga sessions at 3 pm (but after a few minutes, when they found out that the waves were good, the yoga session got cancelled.. Cancelled due to a good surf!)

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The afternoon session even brought bigger waves and stronger currents. Wiping out is part of the surf scene and I was always a victim of it. I haven’t even started paddling out, I already got smacked on the face by my board. So I just decided that the afternoon is well spent with a bottle of beer and some serenading by the men of Indio-i (they were shooting their music video at that time at the beach and luckily, Lance and I became part of the music video). The afternoon session brought about the crazy side of the Manila surf scene. Endless chatter, drinking beer by the bonfire, fooling around (“The Circle Hostel should have Circle elves.. and they should wear elf Hats”-Soler,2013) added joy and made everyone pumped up.

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(Photo credits to The Circle Hostel for these photos)

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As night fell upon us, everyone started preparing for the Indio-I set while listening to Miko’s acoustic set. He played an awesome version of “Who’s gonna save the world tonight” and “Don’t you worry child”. The bonfire and the free beer provided by the Circle gave warmth to everyone. Indio-i on the other hand pumped up everyone with their awesome set. They played Diwata, Di Mo Lang Alam, Blue Lights, Malungkot na Masaya and 12 other songs. We ended the night with the music mixes of PawFlava, while other people still partied at the beach. It was an awesome night cap for everyone who went to Liwa.

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(photo credit to the Circle Hostel for this photo on Facebook)DSC_0891 DSC_0897 DSC_0911

The next morning, quite hungover from the night before, Lance and I grabbed breakfast while the others at the Circle packed to go to Camara island. Deciding to stay at Liwa, Lance and I grabbed our boards and went back to the beach. The waves were smaller and the current was not as strong so a lot of the beginners paddled out. Again, I caught a wave on my own( but had to stop because there was a beginner who might get injured) After lunch, we hung out at the chill room with the surfers who stayed behind. By 5 pm, we packed our bags (and boards!) and headed back to Manila.

Hearing the thunderous sound of the waves made it hard to say goodbye. But we had to go back to the city. So we packed also the memories and the friendships that we formed in Liwa as we packed our stuff.  The weekend spent at my surf “birthplace” was indeed one for the books. (Lance was a happy camper because of his surprise shots and being able to use his short board, Finally!)

So, Congratulations and Thank you to The Circle Hostel, Zambales, Indio-I, Craig Pulsifer  for the awesome weekend and photos you gave us. Till next time! 🙂

LIVE.LOVE.SURF. Till the next adventure kiddies!

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(photo credit to Craig Pulsifer photography for tagging me in this photo on Facebook)